Serenity Prayer

I propose a new version of the wonderful Serenity Prayer: 

“Develop serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” 

I replaced “God grant me” or “Grant me” with “Develop.” Here’s why. Serenity, courage, and knowing the difference between things I can and cannot change require learning through study, contemplation, practice, and experience – they are not granted.

Background

American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr wrote the Serenity Prayer in 1932, used it in a sermon in 1943, first published it in 1951, and in 1955 it appeared in Alcoholics Anonymous publications. It has been widely used in addiction recovery, psychotherapy, posters, and medallions ever since.

Focusing on things within our control is a key feature of modern mental health therapy techniques. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) was developed in the 1960s & 70s by Aaron Beck, Albert Ellis, and others. CBT techniques are applied to irrational beliefs and cognitive distortions, such as control and fairness fallacies. Control fallacies are distorted thoughts about things that happen due to external forces or due to your own actions. The distortion involves assigning them incorrectly.  Fairness fallacies afflict those who are overly concerned about fairness. The person who goes through life looking for fairness in all their experiences may end up resentful and unhappy.  But as as we all know, life is not always fair. Sometimes things go our way, and sometimes they don’t, regardless of how fair it may seem. Similarly, Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches us to accept not only our circumstances, but also our feelings about them. Then focus on things within our control and act accordingly. Along these lines you will also find mindfulness meditation practices.

Steven Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) covers the circle of concern and the circle of influence, with ideas on how to expand the circle of influence. Others have added a circle of control. Covey mentions things under our direct control, indirect control, and no control. In any event, it is wise to recognize that even though the Serenity Prayer is presented as a simple dichotomy (things we can or cannot control), our ability to control things vary by degree. So our developed wisdom is our guide.

All these ideas can be traced back 2000 years to stoic philosophers Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca, and others in ancient Greece and Rome.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control." – Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.5-5

“Some things are in our control, while others are not. We control our opinion, choice, desire, aversion, and, in a word, everything of our own doing. We don’t control our body, property, reputation, position, and, in a word, everything not of our own doing.”  ― Epictetus, Enchiridion, 1.1-2

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“Floods will rob us of one thing, fire of another. These are conditions of our existence which we cannot change. What we can do is adopt a noble spirit, such a spirit as befits a good man, so that we may bear up bravely under all that fortune sends us and bring our wills into tune with nature’s.” – Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

My wife Laura is my favorite stoic. Without going into great detail, she has overcome more than her fair share of tragedy. I often hear her say, “You know what? That is beyond my control so I might as well just get on with it.”  The day after the Harpeth River flooded our house in 2010, she put on her “WHATEVER” T-shirt and got to work cleaning up.

“May have to do it. Don’t have to like it.” - Song written by Mike Stinson, performed by Jesse Dayton

“You don’t have to like it. You just have to do it.” - Navy SEAL Training