Hello Toastmasters and Guests. Today let’s discuss a technique I cobbled together from
different sources that can help us turn conflict into creativity. You’ve heard
of methods for conflict avoidance, conflict management, or conflict resolution.
While useful, they tend to view conflict as a bad thing that needs to be tamped
down. But when two people have a disagreement that boils over into a full blown
argument, it shows how much people care. If they didn’t care – no argument!
Like the electricity from a thunderstorm, what if we could harness that energy
and turn it into useful power? And I don’t mean making a conflict resolution
plan to implement at some later date. But to transform the conflict into
creativity in real time, as it happens, right now! Well we can and here’s how
in 5 easy steps.
#1 STOP. Next time you find yourself in an argument, as it escalates see if you can catch yourself and just stop for a moment. I said 5 easy steps, but I know these are not easy to do as our reptilian brain triggers fight or flight responses. But see if you can stop talking and take a few deep breaths. Count to 3 if that helps. I know it sounds strange to start this technique by stopping, but when we stop we can begin again.
#2 NOTICE. First notice sensations in your body. Are your hands shaking? Is your stomach knotted? Notice your feelings. Are you mad? Scared? Negative feelings point to unmet needs. Then notice the other person. How are they right now? What unmet needs might they be trying to fulfill?
#3 ACCEPT. Then accept the fact that you are in a conflict. It’s not the end of the world. It happens when two people care deeply but have different needs and points of view. Now by “accept” I do not mean agreeing with the other person’s side of the argument or giving in or giving up. I mean, just accept the current state of affairs. You might even say to the other person at this point, “we seem to be disagreeing.” Or “we both must care a lot about this topic.”
#4 CURIOSITY. The key to turning conflict into creativity is curiosity. It is the magic bullet. Ask yourself, what makes me feel so strongly about this? Or what need of mine is not getting met? Consider the other person. What’s in it for them? Then ask a question. Almost any question will do. Well, maybe not “what in the world is wrong with you?” or “did your momma drop you on your head?” Yes, some questions are better than others. Ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Good questions start with Who…? Where…? Or When…? But those limit the answers to people, place, and time. Better questions start with How…? or Why…? if you are looking for a process or for reasons. But the best questions of all start with What…? These are the most open-ended questions that really get people thinking. They are Wisdom Access Questions. “What makes you feel that way?” “I'm curious, what led you to that conclusion?” or “I wonder what benefits might come from your idea?” This curiosity and these questions can turn the conversation into a search for solutions. They can get the two of you to start thinking of ways to create a better outcome. If you do it in real time, you can use the energy from the conflict to forge a brighter future. Curiosity can turn the conflict into creativity.
#5 KINDNESS. During the heat of the battle you may have said some unkind words. But after accepting the situation for what it is and then exploring some creative solutions, you might be able to find it within yourself to show some kindness. To apologize. To express gratitude. Even if somewhat begrudgingly, a little kindness might help you both appreciate what you just went through together, make the next conflict easier to resolve, and make for a brighter future.
In conclusion, I outlined the 5 steps to turn conflict into creativity. I put these ideas together drawing from a number of sources, most notably the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, the book Conscious Choosing for Flow by Hayden Hayden, and an article by Carla Naumberg called How to Take a Mindful S.N.A.C.K. Moment. How will we ever remember these steps? We need an acronym. Stop. Notice. Accept. Curiosity. Kindness. SNACK! To turn conflict into creativity…have a SNACK!
