Hayden Hayden Update

In an earlier post I introduced you to Hayden Hayden:

http://bijonbo.blogspot.com/2016/06/meeting-hayden-hayden.html

Sadly, Hayden suffered a stroke which brought on an unexpected retirement. Hayden (being Hayden) is offering his latest training called Become a Conflict Guru on YouTube for free:

https://youtu.be/3cHWdvSu04M

I highly recommend it to anyone who has other people in their life, as I suspect you do!

Motivational Interviewing

You can’t tell people what to do. Even if you are the boss, you might get push back, you might get resigned compliance, you might even get resentment. But you won't get much enthusiasm. There’s a better way. We can get people to talk themselves into doing what they already know is the right thing to do. It’s a method called Motivational Interviewing. Not to be confused with Situational Interviewing like in a job interview when you are asked to “tell me about a situation where you made a mistake, how did you handle it?”

Motivational Interviewing is different. It is a style of talking to people about changing their behavior but without giving advice. It helps people explore their own motivation to change and guide them toward more desirable behavior. I came across the technique by volunteering as a facilitator for drug & alcohol addiction support groups. But it has application in a variety of settings including management, parenting, and coaching.

Let's get started with a Motivational Interviewing conversation. Start by building rapport and showing respect. Asking permission is a great way to show respect. “Is this a good time to talk?” “Would you mind if I ask you a few questions?” “Can I help you with that?”

Within Motivational Interviewing lies a tool for eliciting behavior change without giving advice. It is summed up with the acronym:

OARS: Open-Ended Questions, Affirmations, Reflections, and Summaries.

Open-Ended Questions cannot be answered with a short response like “yes”, “no”, or “twice.” They are used to help people open up and explore their own thinking. The best questions start with the word “What…?” These are the most open-ended questions that really get people thinking. They are Wisdom Access Questions. Examples of Open-Ended Questions: “What changes are you considering?” “What will your life look like after you lose weight?”

Affirmations help people acknowledge their positive behaviors to build confidence in their ability to change. Examples of Affirmations: “You are very brave to admit that.” “I like the way you handled that situation.”

Reflections, or using Active Listening and paraphrasing, is a way to confirm understanding. It helps people to hear what the words they use sound like. Then when they confirm it, it builds their commitment. People want to make the words they say come true. Examples of Reflections: “What I hear you saying is….” followed by “Did I get that right?”

Summaries pull together what was discussed to find general themes. It can form the basis for helping people develop action plans and next steps. Examples of Summaries: “During our conversation we discussed three ideas…” followed by “What next steps might you take to get started?”

Look at desired goals and current behaviors and then amplify the discrepancy between them. You ask what the desired behavior looks like. For instance, you might ask the client what their ideal weight might be, then ask about their current diet and exercise. Then ask if they can achieve their ideal weight without making a change. Then ask what changes they might make.

Identify the source of ambivalence to change, where ambivalence has a special meaning in this context. It is not the usual sense of people just not caring. Here ambivalence is a conflict between reasons to sustain their current behavior and reasons to make a change. This ambivalence leads to making no change at all – in other words, getting stuck.

A great way to help people overcome ambivalence is by asking scaling questions. Can I get a volunteer? Someone who wants to break a bad habit or start a good habit?

Q: May I ask you a few questions? (ask permission, show respect)
A: Yes

Q: What behavior do you want to change?
A: I want to quit smoking. (for example)

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to you to quit smoking?
A: 8

Q: Why did you rate it that high? *
A: Because I want to be healthy. (Change Talk)

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how confident are you that you can quit smoking?
A: 6

Q: Why did you rate it that high? *
A: Because I am trying a new medication. (Change Talk)

*Notice the follow-up questions where I ask “Why did you rate it that high?” to get Change Talk. Then encourage the Change Talk using OARS (Open questions, Affirmations, Reflections, Summaries). When people hear themselves saying things out loud they want to make the words come true.

Other questions: “Why did your rate it an 8 and not a 5?” “What will it take to move that to a 9 or 10?” But if you ask “Why did you rate it that low?” you will get unhelpful Sustain Talk. They will talk about reasons NOT to change. Don’t go there!

In summary, you can’t tell people what to do even if you have a position of power as the boss, parent, or coach. They might follow your orders but without full commitment and maybe even with resentment. Instead you can help them talk themselves into making changes using Motivational Interviewing. Help people explore their own motivation, resistance, and ambivalence and then guide them toward more desirable behavior. Treat them with respect, ask permission, ask open questions, give affirmations, reflect and summarize. With Motivational Interviewing, people will move forward thinking it was their idea all along!

References:
SMART Recovery Facilitator Training
How to Do Motivational Interviewing by Bill Matulich

Non-Violent Communication

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is what kids say. But as we grow up we stop saying that. Why? Because we learn it’s not true. Sometimes words hurt. How can we get what we need in life without stepping on toes and hurting people?

There’s a method called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) developed by the late Marshall Rosenberg starting in the 1960s and described in his 2001 book titled Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. NVC has been applied in a variety of settings including organizations, business, education, parenting, conflict mediation, psychotherapy, healthcare, and prisons. Let’s learn more about it to see if it might be helpful to you.

In my last speech, I described a method to use curiosity to turn conflict into creativity during a conversation. It’s called SNACK which stands for Stop, Notice, Accept, Curiosity, and Kindness. But what if the conflict has been going on for a while and you find the relationship isn’t working for you? Non-Violent Communication is method to prepare for a discussion to improve the situation.

The Nonviolent Communication process has four parts:

1.     Observations – the concrete actions we observe that do not contribute to our well-being

2.     Feelings – how we feel in relation to what we observe

3.     Needs – the needs, values, and desires that create our feelings

4.     Requests – the concrete actions we request to meet our needs and enrich our lives

So the acronym is OFNR..............................SNACK OFNR!!!

Observations

What do you see in this picture? Let me have your observations please.

If you say things like “he has road rage, he is a jerk, or he is drunk” those are judgements. Observations are like “His head is out the window, he is pointing his finger, he is wearing a watch.” It is more like a police report. Just the facts, ma’am. Unlike judgements, observations don't make people to put up their defenses.

Feelings

Feelings, nothing more than Feelings. I know it sounds lovey-dovey. I’m not always in touch with my feelings. That’s why I have to study them in a book. But pay attention to your feelings because they are an indicator about your underlying needs. Positive feelings like Happy, Grateful, and Engaged are there when your needs are getting met. Negative feelings like Angry, Annoyed, and Sad are a sign of unmet needs. They point to needs you need to fulfill.

Needs

Here is a list of Needs, starting at the bottom with survival and safety needs, moving up to the need for belonging and love, self-esteem, self-actualization, and self-transcendence. Sound familiar? Yes this list of needs are organized into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Requests

After covering our Observations, Feelings, and Needs, it is time to make our request.

•       Make requests in clear, positive, concrete action language to get what we want

•       A request is not a demand -- use words like “would you be willing to…?”

•       We must be willing to accept “no” if it is a request not a demand

•       Requests sound like demands when unaccompanied by our feelings and needs

•       If we simply express our feelings it may not be clear what we really want

Now you can see how Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests work together.

Example

One day my manager asked me for a second opinion on an email he was writing. The email was pointing out some improvements needed. I suggested the email start with a description of the situation, how it affected you, what you need, and a request for a specific action. He said he appreciated my advice so I showed him the NVC diagram I had posted at my cube. I don’t recall the details of that email, but here is an example.

Hi Joe,

(O) It often takes two weeks with several follow-ups to get the information I need from you. In this case, I asked for the quote on February 2 and now it is February 16 and I haven’t it. (F) I feel worried without the information. (N) I need timely information in order to move the program along. (R) If I put a due date on my requests, would you be willing to meet the due date or notify me of any delays so we can agree on a new date? Please let me know if this works for you or if you have any questions or suggestions.

Best Regards,

Brian Fleming

Notice the Observation says how long it takes to get a response, but not that the response was “late” or “slow” which would be a judgement and put them on defense. In a business environment, the Feeling statement can be brief. In a personal relationship it can dig deeper. The Need statement describes the need you’re trying to meet. Then make your request in clear, positive, concrete action language. Use emails with caution, face-to-face is better if possible. However, using Non-Violent Communication can even make emails better.

Conclusion

At first, Non-Violent Communication sounds like a touchy-feely approach. But it is an effective way to get your needs met. If you try it sometime, I’d love to hear back from you to tell me how it went. After my speech on SNACK, a Toastmaster asked if I would present it at a team meeting. Yes, I would be happy to share ideas like SNACK, Non-Violent Communication, or one of my upcoming topics at your team meeting. Thank you.   Illustration credits to Hayden Hayden's Conflict Guru training course.

Turn Conflict into Creativity

Hello Toastmasters and Guests. Today let’s discuss a technique I cobbled together from different sources that can help us turn conflict into creativity. You’ve heard of methods for conflict avoidance, conflict management, or conflict resolution. While useful, they tend to view conflict as a bad thing that needs to be tamped down. But when two people have a disagreement that boils over into a full blown argument, it shows how much people care. If they didn’t care – no argument! Like the electricity from a thunderstorm, what if we could harness that energy and turn it into useful power? And I don’t mean making a conflict resolution plan to implement at some later date. But to transform the conflict into creativity in real time, as it happens, right now! Well we can and here’s how in 5 easy steps.

#1 STOP. Next time you find yourself in an argument, as it escalates see if you can catch yourself and just stop for a moment. I said 5 easy steps, but I know these are not easy to do as our reptilian brain triggers fight or flight responses. But see if you can stop talking and take a few deep breaths. Count to 3 if that helps. I know it sounds strange to start this technique by stopping, but when we stop we can begin again.

#2 NOTICE. First notice sensations in your body. Are your hands shaking? Is your stomach knotted? Notice your feelings. Are you mad? Scared? Negative feelings point to unmet needs. Then notice the other person. How are they right now? What unmet needs might they be trying to fulfill?

#3 ACCEPT. Then accept the fact that you are in a conflict. It’s not the end of the world. It happens when two people care deeply but have different needs and points of view. Now by “accept” I do not mean agreeing with the other person’s side of the argument or giving in or giving up. I mean, just accept the current state of affairs. You might even say to the other person at this point, “we seem to be disagreeing.” Or “we both must care a lot about this topic.”

#4 CURIOSITY. The key to turning conflict into creativity is curiosity. It is the magic bullet. Ask yourself, what makes me feel so strongly about this? Or what need of mine is not getting met? Consider the other person. What’s in it for them? Then ask a question. Almost any question will do. Well, maybe not “what in the world is wrong with you?” or “did your momma drop you on your head?” Yes, some questions are better than others. Ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Good questions start with Who…? Where…? Or When…? But those limit the answers to people, place, and time. Better questions start with How…? or Why…? if you are looking for a process or for reasons. But the best questions of all start with What…? These are the most open-ended questions that really get people thinking. They are Wisdom Access Questions. “What makes you feel that way?” “I'm curious, what led you to that conclusion?” or “I wonder what benefits might come from your idea?” This curiosity and these questions can turn the conversation into a search for solutions. They can get the two of you to start thinking of ways to create a better outcome. If you do it in real time, you can use the energy from the conflict to forge a brighter future. Curiosity can turn the conflict into creativity.

#5 KINDNESS. During the heat of the battle you may have said some unkind words. But after accepting the situation for what it is and then exploring some creative solutions, you might be able to find it within yourself to show some kindness. To apologize. To express gratitude. Even if somewhat begrudgingly, a little kindness might help you both appreciate what you just went through together, make the next conflict easier to resolve, and make for a brighter future.

In conclusion, I outlined the 5 steps to turn conflict into creativity. I put these ideas together drawing from a number of sources, most notably the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, the book Conscious Choosing for Flow by Hayden Hayden, and an article by Carla Naumberg called How to Take a Mindful S.N.A.C.K. Moment. How will we ever remember these steps? We need an acronym. Stop. Notice. Accept. Curiosity. Kindness. SNACK! To turn conflict into creativity…have a SNACK!

Wise-Elder-In-Training

After some time away, let's try a new tack. My previous post had the fictional Bijonbo giving an Invocation at a Toastmasters meeting. Inspired by my own fictional character, I decided to actually join the Toastmasters club at my work, where I gave the following "Icebreaker" speech:

Hi. My name is Brian Fleming and I am a ridiculous middle-aged man. Someday when I grow up I hope to be someone that people come to for advice -- a wise elder. So every day I am learning new things, studying the ancients, and practicing my trade. But I am not a wise elder yet. I am a wise-elder-in-training.

I work in raw materials purchasing here in Smyrna. I joined Nissan 5 years ago. At that time I was a member of Nashville Toastmasters. It was good for me. It kept me in the game during a period of low employment. It helped my communication and interview skills. And I learned a lot just listening to the other speeches. Now those are some of the same reasons I am joining Toastmasters again.

But I have a more specific goal in mind this time. I want to practice talking about the things of learned so I can help people. So I can give counsel. So I can become a wise elder someday. Last time I made it half way through the Competent Communicator manual. I couldn’t find it in the attic so I have to start over again. But that’s OK. I’ll give the Icebreaker Speech, I’ll Get to the Point, and use Vocal Variety. You can count my ahs and give me feedback. That will be very helpful. But all the while I will be sharing things I’ve learned. Because when you teach someone, you learn twice. You will be my captive audience. And maybe you will learn a few things from me along the way. But I will be listening to your speeches too. And I look forward to learning from you.

Some topics I’ve been studying lately that might come out in my speeches involve interpersonal skills, coaching & counseling techniques, and critical thinking. Before joining Nissan I got my second masters degree, a Master of Liberal Arts & Science, with a concentration in Ethics at Vanderbilt. Since then I’ve been going to Socrates Café meetings where I challenge the others, and myself, to think clearly by asking questions. Over the years, I volunteered in a variety of ways to help others, including youth basketball coaching, teaching Junior Achievement, and serving as President of a purchasing professional association. But it never felt like enough. Now I facilitate SMART Recovery support group meetings with people struggling with addictive behaviors. And I serve as a chatline agent to help people dealing with oppressive religious beliefs. For those last two roles, I’m studying things like Non-Violent Communication, Motivational Interviewing, and using Curiosity to turn Conflict into Creativity.

In addition to these fancy things I’m learning, there’s also my life experiences to draw upon. I’ve been married to the same woman for 32 years and we raised to 2 sons who are now 28 and 26. So I can tell you about sons but I know nothing about daughters. I helped my parents through their final stages so I can offer my help with that. I can give advice on free-throw shooting technique and investing. I can teach you how to play guitar but not how to cook.

And then there's my work experience. Before Nissan I had several purchasing & supply management roles. But I also had the misfortune of getting laid off, so I can give advice on job search and networking. Here at Nissan I work in raw material purchasing but I don’t buy anything. I help the buyers adjust prices for raw material economics. I also negotiate and arrange stainless steel purchases with our suppliers, but we don’t use it in our own Nissan plants. So there is a fair amount of advice-giving and training I provide.

But I’m not there yet. I still have a lot to learn to become a wise elder someday. I am a wise-elder-in-training. I am still learning how to express myself clearly, how to listen to my feelings and those of others, how to bridge generational gaps, how to relate to people of all walks of life, how to understand. And so on. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my ideas in this supportive environment. I hope I can teach you a few things and I am looking forward to learning from you. Because I am a wise-elder-in-training.

Bijonbo's Toastmasters Invocation

Bijonbo's trip to Mexico went without a hitch. He and Sancho Panza had a marvelous time on their adventures.

The next week after his return, Bijonbo attended a Toastmaster's meeting one evening. It was another one of his self-improvement projects, this one to become a better public speaker. It was his turn to deliver the Invocation. At a Toastmasters meeting, most people use the Invocation as an opportunity to practice leading a public prayer, but some recite a poem or offer words of imspiration. Bijonbo went to the podium and gave the following Invocation:

"What is virtue? Is it always being honest? Generous? Courteous? Mindful? Of these maybe mindful comes closest because it will adjust to changing circumstances. For example, in a machine is a virtuous gear one that is shinier than the others? Or one that fits into the machine and fulfills its purpose? Virtue, then, is fitness to do good as an  individual, and as part of society, and it adapts to changing circumstances. Therefore, virtue evolves!"

Bijonbo returned to his seat feeling good about his Invocation but the audience looked rather puzzled.

Bijonbo's Generosity

After work the next evening, Sancho Panza took Bijonbo out to see some sites and have some supper. They went to Centro de la Ciudad Toluca to visit the Plaza Los Portales. Merchants were selling their wares, mariachi bands were playing their songs, and dancers were dancing their dances. They came upon a woman who was asking for handouts.

“We must help her,” Bijonbo said to Sancho Panza.

“No, it is not a good idea. I see her here all the time.”

Bijonbo pulled out his wallet. Just then a boy ran out from behind her, grabbed Bijonbo’s wallet, and took off with it. They started after him but he was too quick. Just as he darted out of view he flipped the wallet up in the air behind him. Bijonbo ran to the wallet, picked it up, and found everything intact -- but all the cash was gone.

“Oh well, it’s only a few dollars lost. They must really need the money,” Bijonbo said.

Sancho Panza was furious. “I told you so!”
Then quoting Don Quixote verbatim, Bijonbo said: “Imbecile! It is not the responsibility of knights to discover whether the afflicted, the enchained, and the oppressed whom they encounter on the road are reduced to these circumstances and suffer this distress for their vices, or for their virtues: the knight's sole responsibility is to succor them as people in need, having eyes only for their sufferings, not for their misdeeds. I say whoever thinks this is wrong knows little of the matter of chivalry and lies like a lowborn whoreson and will be taught this by my sword at greater length.”