Non-Violent Communication

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is what kids say. But as we grow up we stop saying that. Why? Because we learn it’s not true. Sometimes words hurt. How can we get what we need in life without stepping on toes and hurting people?

There’s a method called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) developed by the late Marshall Rosenberg starting in the 1960s and described in his 2001 book titled Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. NVC has been applied in a variety of settings including organizations, business, education, parenting, conflict mediation, psychotherapy, healthcare, and prisons. Let’s learn more about it to see if it might be helpful to you.

In my last speech, I described a method to use curiosity to turn conflict into creativity during a conversation. It’s called SNACK which stands for Stop, Notice, Accept, Curiosity, and Kindness. But what if the conflict has been going on for a while and you find the relationship isn’t working for you? Non-Violent Communication is method to prepare for a discussion to improve the situation.

The Nonviolent Communication process has four parts:

1.     Observations – the concrete actions we observe that do not contribute to our well-being

2.     Feelings – how we feel in relation to what we observe

3.     Needs – the needs, values, and desires that create our feelings

4.     Requests – the concrete actions we request to meet our needs and enrich our lives

So the acronym is OFNR..............................SNACK OFNR!!!

Observations

What do you see in this picture? Let me have your observations please.

If you say things like “he has road rage, he is a jerk, or he is drunk” those are judgements. Observations are like “His head is out the window, he is pointing his finger, he is wearing a watch.” It is more like a police report. Just the facts, ma’am. Unlike judgements, observations don't make people to put up their defenses.

Feelings

Feelings, nothing more than Feelings. I know it sounds lovey-dovey. I’m not always in touch with my feelings. That’s why I have to study them in a book. But pay attention to your feelings because they are an indicator about your underlying needs. Positive feelings like Happy, Grateful, and Engaged are there when your needs are getting met. Negative feelings like Angry, Annoyed, and Sad are a sign of unmet needs. They point to needs you need to fulfill.

Needs

Here is a list of Needs, starting at the bottom with survival and safety needs, moving up to the need for belonging and love, self-esteem, self-actualization, and self-transcendence. Sound familiar? Yes this list of needs are organized into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Requests

After covering our Observations, Feelings, and Needs, it is time to make our request.

•       Make requests in clear, positive, concrete action language to get what we want

•       A request is not a demand -- use words like “would you be willing to…?”

•       We must be willing to accept “no” if it is a request not a demand

•       Requests sound like demands when unaccompanied by our feelings and needs

•       If we simply express our feelings it may not be clear what we really want

Now you can see how Observations, Feelings, Needs, and Requests work together.

Example

One day my manager asked me for a second opinion on an email he was writing. The email was pointing out some improvements needed. I suggested the email start with a description of the situation, how it affected you, what you need, and a request for a specific action. He said he appreciated my advice so I showed him the NVC diagram I had posted at my cube. I don’t recall the details of that email, but here is an example.

Hi Joe,

(O) It often takes two weeks with several follow-ups to get the information I need from you. In this case, I asked for the quote on February 2 and now it is February 16 and I haven’t it. (F) I feel worried without the information. (N) I need timely information in order to move the program along. (R) If I put a due date on my requests, would you be willing to meet the due date or notify me of any delays so we can agree on a new date? Please let me know if this works for you or if you have any questions or suggestions.

Best Regards,

Brian Fleming

Notice the Observation says how long it takes to get a response, but not that the response was “late” or “slow” which would be a judgement and put them on defense. In a business environment, the Feeling statement can be brief. In a personal relationship it can dig deeper. The Need statement describes the need you’re trying to meet. Then make your request in clear, positive, concrete action language. Use emails with caution, face-to-face is better if possible. However, using Non-Violent Communication can even make emails better.

Conclusion

At first, Non-Violent Communication sounds like a touchy-feely approach. But it is an effective way to get your needs met. If you try it sometime, I’d love to hear back from you to tell me how it went. After my speech on SNACK, a Toastmaster asked if I would present it at a team meeting. Yes, I would be happy to share ideas like SNACK, Non-Violent Communication, or one of my upcoming topics at your team meeting. Thank you.   Illustration credits to Hayden Hayden's Conflict Guru training course.