Turn Conflict into Creativity

Hello Toastmasters and Guests. Today let’s discuss a technique I cobbled together from different sources that can help us turn conflict into creativity. You’ve heard of methods for conflict avoidance, conflict management, or conflict resolution. While useful, they tend to view conflict as a bad thing that needs to be tamped down. But when two people have a disagreement that boils over into a full blown argument, it shows how much people care. If they didn’t care – no argument! Like the electricity from a thunderstorm, what if we could harness that energy and turn it into useful power? And I don’t mean making a conflict resolution plan to implement at some later date. But to transform the conflict into creativity in real time, as it happens, right now! Well we can and here’s how in 5 easy steps.

#1 STOP. Next time you find yourself in an argument, as it escalates see if you can catch yourself and just stop for a moment. I said 5 easy steps, but I know these are not easy to do as our reptilian brain triggers fight or flight responses. But see if you can stop talking and take a few deep breaths. Count to 3 if that helps. I know it sounds strange to start this technique by stopping, but when we stop we can begin again.

#2 NOTICE. First notice sensations in your body. Are your hands shaking? Is your stomach knotted? Notice your feelings. Are you mad? Scared? Negative feelings point to unmet needs. Then notice the other person. How are they right now? What unmet needs might they be trying to fulfill?

#3 ACCEPT. Then accept the fact that you are in a conflict. It’s not the end of the world. It happens when two people care deeply but have different needs and points of view. Now by “accept” I do not mean agreeing with the other person’s side of the argument or giving in or giving up. I mean, just accept the current state of affairs. You might even say to the other person at this point, “we seem to be disagreeing.” Or “we both must care a lot about this topic.”

#4 CURIOSITY. The key to turning conflict into creativity is curiosity. It is the magic bullet. Ask yourself, what makes me feel so strongly about this? Or what need of mine is not getting met? Consider the other person. What’s in it for them? Then ask a question. Almost any question will do. Well, maybe not “what in the world is wrong with you?” or “did your momma drop you on your head?” Yes, some questions are better than others. Ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Good questions start with Who…? Where…? Or When…? But those limit the answers to people, place, and time. Better questions start with How…? or Why…? if you are looking for a process or for reasons. But the best questions of all start with What…? These are the most open-ended questions that really get people thinking. They are Wisdom Access Questions. “What makes you feel that way?” “I'm curious, what led you to that conclusion?” or “I wonder what benefits might come from your idea?” This curiosity and these questions can turn the conversation into a search for solutions. They can get the two of you to start thinking of ways to create a better outcome. If you do it in real time, you can use the energy from the conflict to forge a brighter future. Curiosity can turn the conflict into creativity.

#5 KINDNESS. During the heat of the battle you may have said some unkind words. But after accepting the situation for what it is and then exploring some creative solutions, you might be able to find it within yourself to show some kindness. To apologize. To express gratitude. Even if somewhat begrudgingly, a little kindness might help you both appreciate what you just went through together, make the next conflict easier to resolve, and make for a brighter future.

In conclusion, I outlined the 5 steps to turn conflict into creativity. I put these ideas together drawing from a number of sources, most notably the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, the book Conscious Choosing for Flow by Hayden Hayden, and an article by Carla Naumberg called How to Take a Mindful S.N.A.C.K. Moment. How will we ever remember these steps? We need an acronym. Stop. Notice. Accept. Curiosity. Kindness. SNACK! To turn conflict into creativity…have a SNACK!

Wise-Elder-In-Training

After some time away, let's try a new tack. My previous post had the fictional Bijonbo giving an Invocation at a Toastmasters meeting. Inspired by my own fictional character, I decided to actually join the Toastmasters club at my work, where I gave the following "Icebreaker" speech:

Hi. My name is Brian Fleming and I am a ridiculous middle-aged man. Someday when I grow up I hope to be someone that people come to for advice -- a wise elder. So every day I am learning new things, studying the ancients, and practicing my trade. But I am not a wise elder yet. I am a wise-elder-in-training.

I work in raw materials purchasing here in Smyrna. I joined Nissan 5 years ago. At that time I was a member of Nashville Toastmasters. It was good for me. It kept me in the game during a period of low employment. It helped my communication and interview skills. And I learned a lot just listening to the other speeches. Now those are some of the same reasons I am joining Toastmasters again.

But I have a more specific goal in mind this time. I want to practice talking about the things of learned so I can help people. So I can give counsel. So I can become a wise elder someday. Last time I made it half way through the Competent Communicator manual. I couldn’t find it in the attic so I have to start over again. But that’s OK. I’ll give the Icebreaker Speech, I’ll Get to the Point, and use Vocal Variety. You can count my ahs and give me feedback. That will be very helpful. But all the while I will be sharing things I’ve learned. Because when you teach someone, you learn twice. You will be my captive audience. And maybe you will learn a few things from me along the way. But I will be listening to your speeches too. And I look forward to learning from you.

Some topics I’ve been studying lately that might come out in my speeches involve interpersonal skills, coaching & counseling techniques, and critical thinking. Before joining Nissan I got my second masters degree, a Master of Liberal Arts & Science, with a concentration in Ethics at Vanderbilt. Since then I’ve been going to Socrates Café meetings where I challenge the others, and myself, to think clearly by asking questions. Over the years, I volunteered in a variety of ways to help others, including youth basketball coaching, teaching Junior Achievement, and serving as President of a purchasing professional association. But it never felt like enough. Now I facilitate SMART Recovery support group meetings with people struggling with addictive behaviors. And I serve as a chatline agent to help people dealing with oppressive religious beliefs. For those last two roles, I’m studying things like Non-Violent Communication, Motivational Interviewing, and using Curiosity to turn Conflict into Creativity.

In addition to these fancy things I’m learning, there’s also my life experiences to draw upon. I’ve been married to the same woman for 32 years and we raised to 2 sons who are now 28 and 26. So I can tell you about sons but I know nothing about daughters. I helped my parents through their final stages so I can offer my help with that. I can give advice on free-throw shooting technique and investing. I can teach you how to play guitar but not how to cook.

And then there's my work experience. Before Nissan I had several purchasing & supply management roles. But I also had the misfortune of getting laid off, so I can give advice on job search and networking. Here at Nissan I work in raw material purchasing but I don’t buy anything. I help the buyers adjust prices for raw material economics. I also negotiate and arrange stainless steel purchases with our suppliers, but we don’t use it in our own Nissan plants. So there is a fair amount of advice-giving and training I provide.

But I’m not there yet. I still have a lot to learn to become a wise elder someday. I am a wise-elder-in-training. I am still learning how to express myself clearly, how to listen to my feelings and those of others, how to bridge generational gaps, how to relate to people of all walks of life, how to understand. And so on. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to express my ideas in this supportive environment. I hope I can teach you a few things and I am looking forward to learning from you. Because I am a wise-elder-in-training.

Bijonbo's Toastmasters Invocation

Bijonbo's trip to Mexico went without a hitch. He and Sancho Panza had a marvelous time on their adventures.

The next week after his return, Bijonbo attended a Toastmaster's meeting one evening. It was another one of his self-improvement projects, this one to become a better public speaker. It was his turn to deliver the Invocation. At a Toastmasters meeting, most people use the Invocation as an opportunity to practice leading a public prayer, but some recite a poem or offer words of imspiration. Bijonbo went to the podium and gave the following Invocation:

"What is virtue? Is it always being honest? Generous? Courteous? Mindful? Of these maybe mindful comes closest because it will adjust to changing circumstances. For example, in a machine is a virtuous gear one that is shinier than the others? Or one that fits into the machine and fulfills its purpose? Virtue, then, is fitness to do good as an  individual, and as part of society, and it adapts to changing circumstances. Therefore, virtue evolves!"

Bijonbo returned to his seat feeling good about his Invocation but the audience looked rather puzzled.

Bijonbo's Generosity

After work the next evening, Sancho Panza took Bijonbo out to see some sites and have some supper. They went to Centro de la Ciudad Toluca to visit the Plaza Los Portales. Merchants were selling their wares, mariachi bands were playing their songs, and dancers were dancing their dances. They came upon a woman who was asking for handouts.

“We must help her,” Bijonbo said to Sancho Panza.

“No, it is not a good idea. I see her here all the time.”

Bijonbo pulled out his wallet. Just then a boy ran out from behind her, grabbed Bijonbo’s wallet, and took off with it. They started after him but he was too quick. Just as he darted out of view he flipped the wallet up in the air behind him. Bijonbo ran to the wallet, picked it up, and found everything intact -- but all the cash was gone.

“Oh well, it’s only a few dollars lost. They must really need the money,” Bijonbo said.

Sancho Panza was furious. “I told you so!”
Then quoting Don Quixote verbatim, Bijonbo said: “Imbecile! It is not the responsibility of knights to discover whether the afflicted, the enchained, and the oppressed whom they encounter on the road are reduced to these circumstances and suffer this distress for their vices, or for their virtues: the knight's sole responsibility is to succor them as people in need, having eyes only for their sufferings, not for their misdeeds. I say whoever thinks this is wrong knows little of the matter of chivalry and lies like a lowborn whoreson and will be taught this by my sword at greater length.”

Sancho Panza

When Bijonbo's flight arrived in Mexico City he was greeted by a friend and coworker who had volunteered to give him a ride.

"Hey, Sancho Panza!" That wasn't his real name, but that is what Bijonbo called him for fun. Sancho Panza had a big smile, a round face, a round body, and stood a foot shorter than Bijonbo.

"Hey Mr. Bijonbo! How was your flight?" They did the chest bump hug thing.

"Good, good! Thank you so much for picking me up."

"No problem, my friend, let's go."

As he pulled the car out into the busy streets of Mexico City for the hour-long drive to Toluca, Sancho said, "I know you call me 'Sancho Panza' from the Don Quixote book, but I don't know the story."

"We're on our way to Toluca so I'll have plenty of time to tell you," Bijonbo said. "Long, long ago in Spain there lived a gentleman about my age named Don Quixote. He read lots of adventure books about Knights in shining armor. 'Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.' Don Quixote imagined himself a Knight going on adventures, fighting evildoers, and saving damsels in distress. All Knights have a Squire, which is like a personal assistant nowadays, and Don Quixote's squire was Sancho Panza. That's where you come in!"

"Go on," urged Sancho Panza.

"In one of the first adventures, we find out just how crazy Don Quixote was. But wait! I was reading Don Quixote on the plane." Bijonbo pulled his iPad out of his computer bag, found the right spot, and  began to read:

“Destiny guides our fortunes more favorably than we could have expected. Look there, Sancho Panza, my friend, and see those thirty or so wild giants, with whom I intend to do battle and kill each and all of them, so with their stolen booty we can begin to enrich ourselves. This is noble, righteous warfare, for it is wonderfully useful to God to have such an evil race wiped from the face of the earth."

"What giants?" asked Sancho Panza.

"The ones you can see over there," answered his master, "with the huge arms, some of which are very nearly two leagues long."

"Now look, your grace," said Sancho, "what you see over there aren't giants, but windmills, and what seems to be arms are just their sails, that go around in the wind and turn the millstone."

"Obviously," replied Don Quixote, "you don't know much about adventures.” 

"Ha Ha Ha!," the friends both laughed out loud. Our Sancho Panza howled, "Don Quixote is even crazier than you, Bijonbo! Ha, Ha!" 

"Yes, I can only aspire to be as crazy as Don Quixote! Ha, Ha!" Bijonbo replied. From then on, Bijonbo and Sancho Panza pretended to be a Knight and his Squire going on adventures and about to become famous.

The Couple and Their Adoption

Bijonbo was sitting in the aisle seat on the flight to Mexico City next to a modest looking couple.

"Where are you folks going?" Bijonbo asked.

"To Mexico City and then on to Guadalajara," the man said.

"Well I'm going to Mexico City and then on to Toluca for work. Why are you going to Mexico?"

The man said, "We're looking into an adoption down there."

"Oh really! Do you have any kids of your own?"

"Yes, two. And we've already adopted two others."

"Oh my, I admire people who do that. It's more than I could sign up for!"

"Well you know we are so blessed it only seems right to share God's grace."

"Of course," Bijonbo said as he pulled out the in-light magazine to gather his thoughts.

When the Fasten Seat Belts light went off, the man said, "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

"Of course," as Bijonbo let him by.

Right away the woman leaned over and whispered, "I'm so worried."

"Why?" Bijonbo whispered back.

"Because, we have just enough to get by with the four kids we already have. Not sure we can support another."

"I see, so why are you considering another?"

"We prayed about it and my husband says God is calling us to help the less fortunate."

"Is that what you think too?"

"I'm not sure. I think we can save enough to send our own kids to college, but how do we send all five?"

"Should you jeopardize your own children's education for the sake of all five?"

"Exactly!  But my husband said we can just pray and leave it in God's hands and everything will work out."

The man returned and Bijonbo went back to his magazine and his thoughts. Channeling Don Quixote, he imagined the women as a damsel in distress and the most beauteous and elegant to be found in all the land. It was his noble duty as a knight to come to her rescue immediately. But how?

"Ahem, so excuse me sir," Bijonbo started not knowing where if might lead. "Adoption is quite an undertaking. How much does it cost to raise a child?"

"I have no idea, but not near as much as the rewards," said the man.

"I see, yet you have two of your own and about to sign up for your third adopted child. What ages are they?"

"Well lets see, ours are 5 and 3. Our adopted kids are 4-year-old twins. And the little one in Mexico is only 2."

"Do you plan to send them all to college?"

"I suppose, yea," he said starting to see where Bijonbo was going with this.

"None of my business, but what's your plan for the possibility of paying for 5 kids in college at the same time?"

"Honestly? I don't have any idea how we will do it. I'm just leaving it in God's hands. He will provide I'm sure of it."

The woman was listening intently. Bijonbo leaned over and asked her, "What are your thoughts?"

She started timidly "Well, I've been afraid to bring this up, but I'm worried."

"Really honey?" and they started talking.

Bijonbo listened in and things seemed to be going well so he went back to his magazine feeling good about his gallantry. In his mind he knew the couple and their children would live happily ever after.

[Blogger Note: this post was loosely based on a true story]

Meeting Hayden Hayden

Bijonbo boarded the Monday morning flight to Dallas on his way to a week of work in Mexico. He spotted Hayden Hayden several rows back, who he recognized from training videos and they emailed a few times, but never met. (Yes, Hayden’s first name is the same as his last). He noticed the seat next to Hayden was open so Bijonbo approached him and introduced himself.

“Hi Hayden, …Bijonbo!” and extended his hand.

“Excuse me?” Hayden replied.

“Oh right sorry,” Bijonbo said. “Brian Fleming, but I go by Bijonbo now. We’ve never met but if you remember me at all, we exchanged a few emails a while back about your training videos.”

“Brian Fleming? -- hhmm.”

“Would you mind if I join you?”

“Sure have a seat!” Hayden moved his bag.

“So right, I’ve seen your videos and read your book. Great to meet you!” Bijonbo said.

“Likewise! What did you think of them?” Hayden replied.

“I really like how you pull together ideas from different sources: Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication, Csikszentmihalyi's Flow, even Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.”

“Right thanks! I guess I am a fan of good ideas. Was there something that hit home?”

“What were those 4 questions about change that you like to ask?”

“Well, let’s see, these?

1. What negative things in your life do you want to Eliminate?
2. What negative things must you Accept?
3. What positive aspects do you want to Preserve?
4. And what new aspects do you want to Create?”

“Yeah those, I’ve been thinking about them ever since!”

“So what did you come up with?”

“OK, well I want to Eliminate discord between members of my family. Accept the fact that I have shaky hands, ha ha. I want to Preserve some new endeavors I’ve been working on, specifically helping people who are recovering from addiction and irrational beliefs. And I want to Create a following and become a wise elder that people seek out for advice.”

“Wow!” Hayden said. “Sorry to put you through all that! So what could you do to create that following?”

“Not sure,” Bijonbo said, thinking. “Any ideas?”

“Well, you could start a blog,” Hayden said.

“A blog. Hhmm. An advice blog! Yeah that’s the ticket!”

“Dear Bijonbo!” Hayden chuckled.

“So why were you in Nashville?” Bijonbo asked.

“I had a consulting gig last week and I stayed over the weekend just for fun.”

“OK so I’ll leave you be. Don't want to wear out my welcome.”

“No worries.”

“Great to meet you! Thanks! Have a nice day, Hayden!”

“You too, Bijonbo!”