On the agenda at most Toastmasters meetings is Table Topics, where you are given a topic to speak about off-the-cuff. I was Table Topics Master at this week’s meeting, so I wrote up the following questions about Current Events. Picture yourself walking to the podium, drawing a question out of a hat, and speaking for 2 minutes about one of these topics:
Monday was Columbus Day – was Columbus a hero of discovery or a villain of conquest?
Are this year’s hurricanes and wildfires magnified by man-made global warming and if so what should we do about it?
After the shooting in Las Vegas, what should we do about gun control?
Monday was John Lennon’s birthday. Who was your favorite Beatle and why? Hint: John, Paul, George, or Ringo
What role did social media play in the 2016 presidential election?
On Sunday VP Mike Pence left an NFL football game when some players took a knee for the national anthem. Why does it matter what football players do during the national anthem?
On Wednesday Trump tweeted about “fake news.” What role does a free press play in a democracy?
Rock star Tom Petty died on Monday. If music is the soundtrack of our lives, what memories do his songs bring back? Hint, his greatest hits include Refugee, Running Down a Dream, Mary Jane’s Last Dance, I Won’t Back Down, Free Fallin, Learning to Fly.
This week Tennessee Senator Bob Corker and President Trump criticized each other on Twitter. What makes Twitter an effective tool in politics?
On Wednesday the Boy Scouts announced they will allow girls to join. What could possibly go wrong?
Friday, October 13, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Wisdom in The Axial Age
I’ve mentioned I am a wise-elder-in-training -- mostly to avoid the alternative, which is to graduate from being a ridiculous middle-aged man to become an old fool. If I become a wise elder – “I would not be just a nuthin' my head all full of stuffin' My heart all full of pain. With the thoughts I'd be thinkin' I could be another Lincoln. If I only had a brain.”
But what is wisdom, exactly? You know it when you see it but it’s hard to define. It’s more than intelligence or knowledge. It includes experience and perspective. There is optimism that life’s problems can be solved. A sense of calm in trying times. And yet taking feelings into account. And speaking clearly.
"To understand wisdom fully and correctly probably requires more wisdom than any of us have." -- Robert J. Sternberg
"But thinking about wisdom nudges us closer to the thing itself." -- Stephen S. Hall
So my idea is thinking and studying about wisdom -- intentionally -- might help me to get some wisdom.
One way to think about wisdom is to consider examples of people with a reputation for being wise. People like Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King. Three people that come to mind from ancient times are Socrates, the Buddha, and Confucius. All 3 came from the Axial Age 800-200BC.
The Axial Age is a period when great intellectual, philosophical, and religious systems emerged around the world. The phrase – The Axial Age -- originated with Karl Jaspers, a German psychiatrist and philosopher, who noticed that during this period there was a shift—or a turn, as if on an axis—away from local, tribal concerns and toward thinking about the cosmos and the way it works. It was a turn away from merely “feeding the gods” and toward speculation about the fate of humanity, about our relationship with the cosmos, about “The Good” and how people can be “good.”
Jaspers said the Axial Age occurred in 800 BCE to 200 BCE. Socrates, the Buddha, Confucius lived within this period but did not live at the same time or place. The extent to which they exchanged ideas is unknown. It appears their ideas emerged independently at their axis point and then the ideas radiated around the world. They survived the test of time and we still talk about them today.
Socrates (470-399BC) was a Greek philosopher who never put anything in writing. His dialogues were recorded by his student Plato and others. Socrates is famous for asking lots of questions – what we now call the Socratic Method. He was a gadfly who became so annoying that he was found guilty of corrupting the minds of the youth of Athens and for not believing in the gods of the state. Despite all his wisdom, he was sentenced to death by drinking poison hemlock. Some words of wisdom from Socrates:
"...I am wiser than he is to this small extent, that I do not think that I know what I do not know."
In his dialog with Euthyphro, Socrates said, “Is the holy loved by the gods because it is holy, or holy because it is loved by the gods?” Euthyphro turned and said, “Wait, what?” You had to be on your toes with Socrates. He was not above intentionally confusing you into making a contradiction in your argument. But then he would thank you for the conversation and reassure you by saying, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
The Buddha (566 – 487BC) was originally Siddhartha Gautama, the son of a king in Nepal near India. At the age of 29 he left his kingdom, wife, son, and wealth and walked out into the woods to live a simple life of fasting and contemplation. After 6 years of that he re-emerged from the woods enlightened -- recommending people follow a path of balance rather than extreme wealth or austerity. He called it the Middle Way. Some of his famous quotes were:
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – which sounds familiar if you’ve ever tried mediation.
Another was: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Confucius (551-479BC) was a Chinese teacher, writer, editor, politician, and philosopher known for his words of wisdom and ethical models of family and public social life. Late in life he had trouble holding down a job. Even so, he wandered around China giving practical advice, like:
Confucius Say: “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
Confucius Say: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.”
Confucius Say: “Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself" This one is sometimes called the Silver Rule, because it is like Golden Rule, but in negative form.
All these quotes are attributed to Socrates, the Buddha, or Confucius. But there’s a chance they never really said them. Take these for example:
Confucius Say: “Man make mistake on elevator wrong on many levels.”
Confucius Say: “Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.”
Confucius Say: “Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
I saw this last one at the Tomato Festival in East Nashville. It really sums up the essence of wisdom. At least the kind of wisdom I am going for. And does humor have a place in wisdom? I think so, if it’s not at someone’s expense.
What do you think? Am I on my way towards becoming a wise elder? Please, give me some feedback to help me on my journey.
But what is wisdom, exactly? You know it when you see it but it’s hard to define. It’s more than intelligence or knowledge. It includes experience and perspective. There is optimism that life’s problems can be solved. A sense of calm in trying times. And yet taking feelings into account. And speaking clearly.
"To understand wisdom fully and correctly probably requires more wisdom than any of us have." -- Robert J. Sternberg
"But thinking about wisdom nudges us closer to the thing itself." -- Stephen S. Hall
So my idea is thinking and studying about wisdom -- intentionally -- might help me to get some wisdom.
One way to think about wisdom is to consider examples of people with a reputation for being wise. People like Ben Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, and Martin Luther King. Three people that come to mind from ancient times are Socrates, the Buddha, and Confucius. All 3 came from the Axial Age 800-200BC.
The Axial Age is a period when great intellectual, philosophical, and religious systems emerged around the world. The phrase – The Axial Age -- originated with Karl Jaspers, a German psychiatrist and philosopher, who noticed that during this period there was a shift—or a turn, as if on an axis—away from local, tribal concerns and toward thinking about the cosmos and the way it works. It was a turn away from merely “feeding the gods” and toward speculation about the fate of humanity, about our relationship with the cosmos, about “The Good” and how people can be “good.”
Jaspers said the Axial Age occurred in 800 BCE to 200 BCE. Socrates, the Buddha, Confucius lived within this period but did not live at the same time or place. The extent to which they exchanged ideas is unknown. It appears their ideas emerged independently at their axis point and then the ideas radiated around the world. They survived the test of time and we still talk about them today.
Socrates (470-399BC) was a Greek philosopher who never put anything in writing. His dialogues were recorded by his student Plato and others. Socrates is famous for asking lots of questions – what we now call the Socratic Method. He was a gadfly who became so annoying that he was found guilty of corrupting the minds of the youth of Athens and for not believing in the gods of the state. Despite all his wisdom, he was sentenced to death by drinking poison hemlock. Some words of wisdom from Socrates:
"...I am wiser than he is to this small extent, that I do not think that I know what I do not know."
In his dialog with Euthyphro, Socrates said, “Is the holy loved by the gods because it is holy, or holy because it is loved by the gods?” Euthyphro turned and said, “Wait, what?” You had to be on your toes with Socrates. He was not above intentionally confusing you into making a contradiction in your argument. But then he would thank you for the conversation and reassure you by saying, “An unexamined life is not worth living.”
The Buddha (566 – 487BC) was originally Siddhartha Gautama, the son of a king in Nepal near India. At the age of 29 he left his kingdom, wife, son, and wealth and walked out into the woods to live a simple life of fasting and contemplation. After 6 years of that he re-emerged from the woods enlightened -- recommending people follow a path of balance rather than extreme wealth or austerity. He called it the Middle Way. Some of his famous quotes were:
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – which sounds familiar if you’ve ever tried mediation.
Another was: “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Confucius (551-479BC) was a Chinese teacher, writer, editor, politician, and philosopher known for his words of wisdom and ethical models of family and public social life. Late in life he had trouble holding down a job. Even so, he wandered around China giving practical advice, like:
Confucius Say: “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”
Confucius Say: “I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand.”
Confucius Say: “Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself" This one is sometimes called the Silver Rule, because it is like Golden Rule, but in negative form.
All these quotes are attributed to Socrates, the Buddha, or Confucius. But there’s a chance they never really said them. Take these for example:
Confucius Say: “Man make mistake on elevator wrong on many levels.”
Confucius Say: “Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.”
Confucius Say: “Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
I saw this last one at the Tomato Festival in East Nashville. It really sums up the essence of wisdom. At least the kind of wisdom I am going for. And does humor have a place in wisdom? I think so, if it’s not at someone’s expense.
What do you think? Am I on my way towards becoming a wise elder? Please, give me some feedback to help me on my journey.
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Investing Lessons
I have two sons aged 29 and 27. After raising them I often wondered if I taught them what they need to know. How to ride a bike. How to shoot a basketball. How to change a tire. And that doesn’t end now that they are grown up. Last year I decided to teach them my views on investing. First I got them started making monthly investments in a mutual fund. Then I sent them a series of emails explaining my investing philosophy -- one short email at a time, 13 in all. Towards the end they said “That’s great, Dad, but could you put it all together for us in one place?” This is the result, which I will share with you much like I told them.
Lesson 1 - Dollar Cost Averaging
By investing the same dollar amount each month, you will buy more shares when stock prices are low and fewer shares when stock prices are high. If the price moves up and down over time the average stock prices that you paid for the stocks in your portfolio will get lower. If set up automatically from your paycheck or bank account, it is effortless and you invest the money before you have a chance to spend it. My father helped me get started with this method and now I am doing the same with you.
Lesson 2 – Picking Stocks
It is really hard to consistently pick stocks that will beat the market. Professionals can’t even do it. That’s because the Efficient Market Hypothesis says all public information about the stock is already baked into the stock price. If you think a certain stock will do well in the future, other investors think that too and bid the price up. Then future price moves are mostly a random walk. I don’t buy individual stocks. I buy index mutual funds instead. More to come on those.
Lesson 3 – Timing the Market
It is really hard to time the market. Professionals can’t even do it. The adage “buy low, sell high” is easier said than done. You can look at a price history chart and look for trends. You can see what happened, but you can’t see what is about to happen. For every loudmouth who says he cashed out of the stock market before the plunge in 2008 and then jumped back in at the lower prices in 2009, there’s another fool who did the opposite. So it is better to buy over time using Dollar Cost Averaging and then hold the investment for a long time, even as the price rises and falls.
Lesson 4 – Diversification
Diversification reduces risk. If the prices of the stocks in your portfolio rise and fall at different times (that is, out-of-phase like a sine and cosine wave), it tends to smooth out the total returns. An index fund diversifies across a broad family of stocks. But then you can diversify further with total market index funds that include smaller companies and international companies.
Lesson 5 – Asset Allocation
Asset allocation refers to the types of investments in your portfolio. Broadly there are Stocks, Bonds, Real Estate, and Cash. When you are young it is OK to put 100% of your Retirement savings into Stocks. Stocks have high Risk & Reward, but retirement is so far off. It’s good to buy a house or condo as your real estate play. And you need enough cash for emergencies (maybe 2 months’ pay). Mid-career 70% Stocks / 30% Bonds is a good mix. Now at my age I am shifting it to 50/50 to make sure the money is still there when I retire even if the stock market goes down.
Lesson 6 – Fees
Pay attention to fees (aka commissions, loads, expenses). They can have a big impact on total returns over time. A stock broker charges a commission for each trade. Discount brokers’ commissions are much less (under $10/trade). Mutual funds might have a sales load (up-front fee), so only buy no-load funds. Even no-load funds have expenses that are pulled from your returns. Typically expense ratios run above 0.75% for actively managed funds, but index fund expense ratios are typically under 0.2%.
Lesson 7 – Index Funds
Index funds track to all the stocks in a broad market index at very low fees. You won’t get rich quick, but over time it will outperform actively managed funds after their fees are subtracted. S&P 500 index funds track the biggest 500 US companies. Total stock market funds track the entire US stock market. International index funds cover foreign markets. And world funds have US and foreign stocks. Similarly, there are bond index funds and real estate investment trusts (REITs).
Lesson 8 – Taxes
Tax laws change over time, so this is an area where a tax advisor can really help. Income taxes are paid on stock dividends and bond interest, and on capital gains when sold at a higher price than when originally purchased. There are ways to avoid these taxes or defer them until later. One way is to buy & hold, because whenever you sell, capital gains taxes are due. Most employers offer 401k plans that allow you to invest with your earned income before income taxes are assessed. And the dividend and interest are reinvested and not taxed until the funds are withdrawn in retirement. If you change jobs, you can roll-over your 401k into an Individual Retirement Account (IRA) to continue the tax deferral. Another tax-efficient investment are government or municipal bonds. The interest on these bonds is not taxable. If you buy a house or condo, the mortgage interest and property taxes are deductible which reduces your taxable income. Think of it as part of your real estate allocation. So it makes sense to buy a house or condo as soon as you have saved enough for a 20% down payment (to get the best mortgage interest rates).
Lesson 9 – Risk & Return
Historically, stocks make about 10% per year. Bonds return about 6% with less risk. Cash in a money market or savings account earns the lowest interest but there is virtually no risk. So as you can see there is a relationship between risk and return. The higher the risk the higher the return. This is because investors evaluate the risk and it gets built into the trading price of the investment. As risks increase, investors are willing to pay less for the investment so subsequent returns are more as a percentage of the original investment.
Lesson 10 – How Much to Save
If your company offers matching contributions to your 401k, then save to the maximum they will match. It is free money. Once you have 2 months’ salary saved in your bank account, then your 401k retirement investments plus your non-retirement automatic monthly investments should equal 20% of your salary -- rule of thumb.
Lesson 11 – Buy & Hold
Each trade has a transaction cost, a tax impact, and requires time and attention. So along with my advice to keep down costs and the difficulty of timing the market it all adds up to a buy & hold strategy. The best reasons to sell are to rebalance the asset allocation and when you need the money.
Lesson 12 – Simplicity
One of my main investing objectives is to keep it simple. The advice I’ve given here just isn’t that complicated. It might even be boring. Investing is important but I’d rather spend my time doing something else.
Lesson 13 – Education
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. My father put me through college and then got me started saving for your education. Our family has invested heavily in education. It’s an investment in ourselves. You need to continually educate yourself. It does not end at graduation. As soon as you have children, it will be time to start saving for their education.
Now I can confidently say that I’ve taught my sons what they need to know – at least about investing anyway. These lessons are part of my program as a wise-elder-in-training, learning how to pass my knowledge on to the next generation – or to anyone who cares to listen.
References:
Random Walk Down Wall Street by Burton Malkiel
Index Revolution by Charles Ellis
Elements of Investing by Malkiel & Ellis
Lesson 1 - Dollar Cost Averaging
By investing the same dollar amount each month, you will buy more shares when stock prices are low and fewer shares when stock prices are high. If the price moves up and down over time the average stock prices that you paid for the stocks in your portfolio will get lower. If set up automatically from your paycheck or bank account, it is effortless and you invest the money before you have a chance to spend it. My father helped me get started with this method and now I am doing the same with you.
Lesson 2 – Picking Stocks
It is really hard to consistently pick stocks that will beat the market. Professionals can’t even do it. That’s because the Efficient Market Hypothesis says all public information about the stock is already baked into the stock price. If you think a certain stock will do well in the future, other investors think that too and bid the price up. Then future price moves are mostly a random walk. I don’t buy individual stocks. I buy index mutual funds instead. More to come on those.
Lesson 3 – Timing the Market
It is really hard to time the market. Professionals can’t even do it. The adage “buy low, sell high” is easier said than done. You can look at a price history chart and look for trends. You can see what happened, but you can’t see what is about to happen. For every loudmouth who says he cashed out of the stock market before the plunge in 2008 and then jumped back in at the lower prices in 2009, there’s another fool who did the opposite. So it is better to buy over time using Dollar Cost Averaging and then hold the investment for a long time, even as the price rises and falls.
- Note: These 2 lessons are controversial – Picking Stocks & Timing the Market. There is an entire financial industry with brokers, advisors, and fund managers who make big bucks and will tell you they can pick stocks and buy or sell at the right time to beat the market. But studies show it is not true. Only 25% beat the index they measure against once you include the fees they charge. You might say, well I will pick an advisor that’s among the 25% that beats the market. Trouble is, you might know who did well in the past, but nobody knows who will win in the future.
Diversification reduces risk. If the prices of the stocks in your portfolio rise and fall at different times (that is, out-of-phase like a sine and cosine wave), it tends to smooth out the total returns. An index fund diversifies across a broad family of stocks. But then you can diversify further with total market index funds that include smaller companies and international companies.
Lesson 5 – Asset Allocation
Asset allocation refers to the types of investments in your portfolio. Broadly there are Stocks, Bonds, Real Estate, and Cash. When you are young it is OK to put 100% of your Retirement savings into Stocks. Stocks have high Risk & Reward, but retirement is so far off. It’s good to buy a house or condo as your real estate play. And you need enough cash for emergencies (maybe 2 months’ pay). Mid-career 70% Stocks / 30% Bonds is a good mix. Now at my age I am shifting it to 50/50 to make sure the money is still there when I retire even if the stock market goes down.
Lesson 6 – Fees
Pay attention to fees (aka commissions, loads, expenses). They can have a big impact on total returns over time. A stock broker charges a commission for each trade. Discount brokers’ commissions are much less (under $10/trade). Mutual funds might have a sales load (up-front fee), so only buy no-load funds. Even no-load funds have expenses that are pulled from your returns. Typically expense ratios run above 0.75% for actively managed funds, but index fund expense ratios are typically under 0.2%.
Lesson 7 – Index Funds
Index funds track to all the stocks in a broad market index at very low fees. You won’t get rich quick, but over time it will outperform actively managed funds after their fees are subtracted. S&P 500 index funds track the biggest 500 US companies. Total stock market funds track the entire US stock market. International index funds cover foreign markets. And world funds have US and foreign stocks. Similarly, there are bond index funds and real estate investment trusts (REITs).
Lesson 8 – Taxes
Tax laws change over time, so this is an area where a tax advisor can really help. Income taxes are paid on stock dividends and bond interest, and on capital gains when sold at a higher price than when originally purchased. There are ways to avoid these taxes or defer them until later. One way is to buy & hold, because whenever you sell, capital gains taxes are due. Most employers offer 401k plans that allow you to invest with your earned income before income taxes are assessed. And the dividend and interest are reinvested and not taxed until the funds are withdrawn in retirement. If you change jobs, you can roll-over your 401k into an Individual Retirement Account (IRA) to continue the tax deferral. Another tax-efficient investment are government or municipal bonds. The interest on these bonds is not taxable. If you buy a house or condo, the mortgage interest and property taxes are deductible which reduces your taxable income. Think of it as part of your real estate allocation. So it makes sense to buy a house or condo as soon as you have saved enough for a 20% down payment (to get the best mortgage interest rates).
Lesson 9 – Risk & Return
Historically, stocks make about 10% per year. Bonds return about 6% with less risk. Cash in a money market or savings account earns the lowest interest but there is virtually no risk. So as you can see there is a relationship between risk and return. The higher the risk the higher the return. This is because investors evaluate the risk and it gets built into the trading price of the investment. As risks increase, investors are willing to pay less for the investment so subsequent returns are more as a percentage of the original investment.
Lesson 10 – How Much to Save
If your company offers matching contributions to your 401k, then save to the maximum they will match. It is free money. Once you have 2 months’ salary saved in your bank account, then your 401k retirement investments plus your non-retirement automatic monthly investments should equal 20% of your salary -- rule of thumb.
Lesson 11 – Buy & Hold
Each trade has a transaction cost, a tax impact, and requires time and attention. So along with my advice to keep down costs and the difficulty of timing the market it all adds up to a buy & hold strategy. The best reasons to sell are to rebalance the asset allocation and when you need the money.
Lesson 12 – Simplicity
One of my main investing objectives is to keep it simple. The advice I’ve given here just isn’t that complicated. It might even be boring. Investing is important but I’d rather spend my time doing something else.
Lesson 13 – Education
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. My father put me through college and then got me started saving for your education. Our family has invested heavily in education. It’s an investment in ourselves. You need to continually educate yourself. It does not end at graduation. As soon as you have children, it will be time to start saving for their education.
Now I can confidently say that I’ve taught my sons what they need to know – at least about investing anyway. These lessons are part of my program as a wise-elder-in-training, learning how to pass my knowledge on to the next generation – or to anyone who cares to listen.
References:
Random Walk Down Wall Street by Burton Malkiel
Index Revolution by Charles Ellis
Elements of Investing by Malkiel & Ellis
Thursday, June 1, 2017
Hayden Hayden Update
In an earlier post I introduced you to Hayden Hayden:
http://bijonbo.blogspot.com/2016/06/meeting-hayden-hayden.html
Sadly, Hayden suffered a stroke which brought on an unexpected retirement. Hayden (being Hayden) is offering his latest training called Become a Conflict Guru on YouTube for free:
https://youtu.be/3cHWdvSu04M
I highly recommend it to anyone who has other people in their life, as I suspect you do!
http://bijonbo.blogspot.com/2016/06/meeting-hayden-hayden.html
Sadly, Hayden suffered a stroke which brought on an unexpected retirement. Hayden (being Hayden) is offering his latest training called Become a Conflict Guru on YouTube for free:
https://youtu.be/3cHWdvSu04M
I highly recommend it to anyone who has other people in their life, as I suspect you do!
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Motivational Interviewing
You can’t tell people what to do. Even if you are the boss, you might get push back, you might get resigned compliance, you might even get resentment. But you won't get much enthusiasm. There’s a better way. We can get people to talk themselves into doing what they already know is the right thing to do. It’s a method called Motivational Interviewing. Not to be confused with Situational Interviewing like in a job interview when you are asked to “tell me about a situation where you made a mistake, how did you handle it?”
Motivational Interviewing is different. It is a style of talking to people about changing their behavior but without giving advice. It helps people explore their own motivation to change and guide them toward more desirable behavior. I came across the technique by volunteering as a facilitator for drug & alcohol addiction support groups. But it has application in a variety of settings including management, parenting, and coaching.
Let's get started with a Motivational Interviewing conversation. Start by building rapport and showing respect. Asking permission is a great way to show respect. “Is this a good time to talk?” “Would you mind if I ask you a few questions?” “Can I help you with that?”
Within Motivational Interviewing lies a tool for eliciting behavior change without giving advice. It is summed up with the acronym:
Motivational Interviewing is different. It is a style of talking to people about changing their behavior but without giving advice. It helps people explore their own motivation to change and guide them toward more desirable behavior. I came across the technique by volunteering as a facilitator for drug & alcohol addiction support groups. But it has application in a variety of settings including management, parenting, and coaching.
Let's get started with a Motivational Interviewing conversation. Start by building rapport and showing respect. Asking permission is a great way to show respect. “Is this a good time to talk?” “Would you mind if I ask you a few questions?” “Can I help you with that?”
Within Motivational Interviewing lies a tool for eliciting behavior change without giving advice. It is summed up with the acronym:
OARS: Open-Ended Questions, Affirmations, Reflections, and Summaries.
Open-Ended Questions cannot be answered with a short response like “yes”, “no”, or “twice.” They are used to help people open up and explore their own thinking. The best questions start with the word “What…?” These are the most open-ended questions that really get people thinking. They are Wisdom Access Questions. Examples of Open-Ended Questions: “What changes are you considering?” “What will your life look like after you lose weight?”
Affirmations help people acknowledge their positive behaviors to build confidence in their ability to change. Examples of Affirmations: “You are very brave to admit that.” “I like the way you handled that situation.”
Reflections, or using Active Listening and paraphrasing, is a way to confirm understanding. It helps people to hear what the words they use sound like. Then when they confirm it, it builds their commitment. People want to make the words they say come true. Examples of Reflections: “What I hear you saying is….” followed by “Did I get that right?”
Summaries pull together what was discussed to find general themes. It can form the basis for helping people develop action plans and next steps. Examples of Summaries: “During our conversation we discussed three ideas…” followed by “What next steps might you take to get started?”
Look at desired goals and current behaviors and then amplify the discrepancy between them. You ask what the desired behavior looks like. For instance, you might ask the client what their ideal weight might be, then ask about their current diet and exercise. Then ask if they can achieve their ideal weight without making a change. Then ask what changes they might make.
Identify the source of ambivalence to change, where ambivalence has a special meaning in this context. It is not the usual sense of people just not caring. Here ambivalence is a conflict between reasons to sustain their current behavior and reasons to make a change. This ambivalence leads to making no change at all – in other words, getting stuck.
A great way to help people overcome ambivalence is by asking scaling questions. Can I get a volunteer? Someone who wants to break a bad habit or start a good habit?
Q: May I ask you a few questions? (ask permission, show respect)
A: Yes
Q: What behavior do you want to change?
A: I want to quit smoking. (for example)
Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it to you to quit smoking?
A: 8
Q: Why did you rate it that high? *
A: Because I want to be healthy. (Change Talk)
Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how confident are you that you can quit smoking?
A: 6
Q: Why did you rate it that high? *
A: Because I am trying a new medication. (Change Talk)
*Notice the follow-up questions where I ask “Why did you rate it that high?” to get Change Talk. Then encourage the Change Talk using OARS (Open questions, Affirmations, Reflections, Summaries). When people hear themselves saying things out loud they want to make the words come true.
Other questions: “Why did your rate it an 8 and not a 5?” “What will it take to move that to a 9 or 10?” But if you ask “Why did you rate it that low?” you will get unhelpful Sustain Talk. They will talk about reasons NOT to change. Don’t go there!
In summary, you can’t tell people what to do even if you have a position of power as the boss, parent, or coach. They might follow your orders but without full commitment and maybe even with resentment. Instead you can help them talk themselves into making changes using Motivational Interviewing. Help people explore their own motivation, resistance, and ambivalence and then guide them toward more desirable behavior. Treat them with respect, ask permission, ask open questions, give affirmations, reflect and summarize. With Motivational Interviewing, people will move forward thinking it was their idea all along!
References:
SMART Recovery Facilitator Training
How to Do Motivational Interviewing by Bill Matulich
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Non-Violent Communication
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never
hurt me” is what kids say. But as we grow up we stop saying that. Why? Because
we learn it’s not true. Sometimes words hurt. How can we get what we
need in life without stepping on toes and hurting people?
There’s a method called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) developed
by the late Marshall Rosenberg starting in the 1960s and described in his 2001 book
titled Nonviolent Communication: A
Language for Life. NVC has been applied in a variety of settings including
organizations, business, education, parenting, conflict mediation, psychotherapy,
healthcare, and prisons. Let’s learn more about it to see if it might be
helpful to you.
In my last speech, I described a method to use curiosity to
turn conflict into creativity during a conversation. It’s called SNACK which
stands for Stop, Notice, Accept, Curiosity, and Kindness. But what if the
conflict has been going on for a while and you find the relationship isn’t
working for you? Non-Violent Communication is method to prepare for a discussion
to improve the situation.
The Nonviolent Communication process has four parts:
1.
Observations
– the concrete actions we observe that do not contribute to our well-being
2.
Feelings
– how we feel in relation to what we observe
3.
Needs
– the needs, values, and desires that create our feelings
4.
Requests
– the concrete actions we request to meet our needs and enrich our lives
So the acronym is OFNR..............................SNACK OFNR!!!
So the acronym is OFNR..............................SNACK OFNR!!!
Observations
What do you see in this picture? Let me have your
observations please.
If you say things like “he has road rage, he is a jerk, or
he is drunk” those are judgements. Observations are like “His head is
out the window, he is pointing his finger, he is wearing a watch.” It is more
like a police report. Just the facts, ma’am. Unlike judgements, observations
don't make people to put up their defenses.
Feelings
Feelings, nothing more than Feelings. I know it sounds
lovey-dovey. I’m not always in touch with my feelings. That’s why I have to
study them in a book. But pay attention to your feelings because they are an
indicator about your underlying needs. Positive feelings like Happy, Grateful,
and Engaged are there when your needs are getting met. Negative feelings like
Angry, Annoyed, and Sad are a sign of unmet needs. They point to needs you need
to fulfill.
Needs
Here is a list of Needs, starting at the bottom with survival
and safety needs, moving up to the need for belonging and love, self-esteem,
self-actualization, and self-transcendence. Sound familiar? Yes this list of
needs are organized into Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Requests
After covering our Observations, Feelings, and Needs, it is
time to make our request.
•
Make requests in clear, positive, concrete
action language to get what we want
•
A request is not a demand -- use words like
“would you be willing to…?”
•
We must be willing to accept “no” if it is a request not a demand
•
Requests sound like demands when unaccompanied
by our feelings and needs
•
If we simply express our feelings it may not be
clear what we really want
Now you can see how Observations, Feelings, Needs, and
Requests work together.
Example
One day my manager asked me for a second opinion on an email
he was writing. The email was pointing out some improvements needed. I suggested
the email start with a description of the situation, how it affected you, what
you need, and a request for a specific action. He said he appreciated my advice
so I showed him the NVC diagram I had posted at my cube. I don’t recall the
details of that email, but here is an example.
Hi Joe,
(O) It often takes two weeks with
several follow-ups to get the information I need from you. In this case, I
asked for the quote on February 2 and now it is February 16 and I haven’t it. (F)
I feel worried without the information. (N) I need timely information in order
to move the program along. (R) If I put a due date on my requests, would you be
willing to meet the due date or notify me of any delays so we can agree on a
new date? Please let me know if this works for you or if you have any questions
or suggestions.
Best Regards,
Brian Fleming
Notice the Observation says how long it takes to get a
response, but not that the response was “late” or “slow” which would be a
judgement and put them on defense. In a business environment, the Feeling statement can be
brief. In a personal relationship it can dig deeper. The Need statement describes the need you’re trying to meet. Then make your request in clear, positive, concrete action
language. Use emails with caution, face-to-face is better if possible.
However, using Non-Violent Communication can even make emails better.
Conclusion
At first, Non-Violent Communication sounds like
a touchy-feely approach. But it is an effective way to get your needs
met. If you try it sometime, I’d love to hear back from you to tell me how it
went. After my speech on SNACK, a Toastmaster asked if I would present it at a
team meeting. Yes, I would be happy to share ideas like SNACK, Non-Violent
Communication, or one of my upcoming topics at your team meeting. Thank you. Illustration credits to Hayden Hayden's Conflict Guru training course.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Turn Conflict into Creativity
Hello Toastmasters and Guests. Today let’s discuss a technique I cobbled together from
different sources that can help us turn conflict into creativity. You’ve heard
of methods for conflict avoidance, conflict management, or conflict resolution.
While useful, they tend to view conflict as a bad thing that needs to be tamped
down. But when two people have a disagreement that boils over into a full blown
argument, it shows how much people care. If they didn’t care – no argument!
Like the electricity from a thunderstorm, what if we could harness that energy
and turn it into useful power? And I don’t mean making a conflict resolution
plan to implement at some later date. But to transform the conflict into
creativity in real time, as it happens, right now! Well we can and here’s how
in 5 easy steps.
#1 STOP. Next time you find yourself in an argument, as it escalates see if you can catch yourself and just stop for a moment. I said 5 easy steps, but I know these are not easy to do as our reptilian brain triggers fight or flight responses. But see if you can stop talking and take a few deep breaths. Count to 3 if that helps. I know it sounds strange to start this technique by stopping, but when we stop we can begin again.
#2 NOTICE. First notice sensations in your body. Are your hands shaking? Is your stomach knotted? Notice your feelings. Are you mad? Scared? Negative feelings point to unmet needs. Then notice the other person. How are they right now? What unmet needs might they be trying to fulfill?
#3 ACCEPT. Then accept the fact that you are in a conflict. It’s not the end of the world. It happens when two people care deeply but have different needs and points of view. Now by “accept” I do not mean agreeing with the other person’s side of the argument or giving in or giving up. I mean, just accept the current state of affairs. You might even say to the other person at this point, “we seem to be disagreeing.” Or “we both must care a lot about this topic.”
#4 CURIOSITY. The key to turning conflict into creativity is curiosity. It is the magic bullet. Ask yourself, what makes me feel so strongly about this? Or what need of mine is not getting met? Consider the other person. What’s in it for them? Then ask a question. Almost any question will do. Well, maybe not “what in the world is wrong with you?” or “did your momma drop you on your head?” Yes, some questions are better than others. Ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” Good questions start with Who…? Where…? Or When…? But those limit the answers to people, place, and time. Better questions start with How…? or Why…? if you are looking for a process or for reasons. But the best questions of all start with What…? These are the most open-ended questions that really get people thinking. They are Wisdom Access Questions. “What makes you feel that way?” “I'm curious, what led you to that conclusion?” or “I wonder what benefits might come from your idea?” This curiosity and these questions can turn the conversation into a search for solutions. They can get the two of you to start thinking of ways to create a better outcome. If you do it in real time, you can use the energy from the conflict to forge a brighter future. Curiosity can turn the conflict into creativity.
#5 KINDNESS. During the heat of the battle you may have said some unkind words. But after accepting the situation for what it is and then exploring some creative solutions, you might be able to find it within yourself to show some kindness. To apologize. To express gratitude. Even if somewhat begrudgingly, a little kindness might help you both appreciate what you just went through together, make the next conflict easier to resolve, and make for a brighter future.
In conclusion, I outlined the 5 steps to turn conflict into creativity. I put these ideas together drawing from a number of sources, most notably the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, the book Conscious Choosing for Flow by Hayden Hayden, and an article by Carla Naumberg called How to Take a Mindful S.N.A.C.K. Moment. How will we ever remember these steps? We need an acronym. Stop. Notice. Accept. Curiosity. Kindness. SNACK! To turn conflict into creativity…have a SNACK!